Suburban Porch Zen / A Rambling Chautauqua

By Gabrielle Price

(Originally published 2008)

Humidity hangs heavy like a damp wash rag on my head and the sun is going down.  Though not fast enough for me – the wasps keep coming ‘round and buzzing my ears.  Only slightly less annoying is the ice in my cocktail watering down its contents faster than I can drink it.

There is a distant rumble which sounds odd until it becomes familiar at its approach.  It is unmistakable.  Plastic Big Wheel tires on a sidewalk.  The cats don’t like it and are rattled and look about wide-eyed.  I find myself unable to keep from smiling at them.  They spend too much time indoors to be fierce predators.  Then I laugh when I think of the neighborhood I remembered that familiar sound echoing through almost every day.  Perhaps it was a Green Machine…I wonder if they still make those?

The sun sets lower now.  The kind of blue sky at dusk before ball field lights come on or the countdown at the drive-in would begin.  At least at a drive-in before daylight savings time.  No sound of traffic here except the honking of geese flying east to the pond over the treeline.  A gold finch lights on the cherry tree, twittering its business but the cats could care less.  I don’t believe these felines have ever climbed a tree.  The finch seems to mock them for it – almost as much as the robins and the rabbits who live under the shed less than a yard away.

The lightening bugs have now joined the fray of the garden party.  They arrive fashionably late but it’s always good to see them.  I’m hearing Big Wheel tires again but the cicadas and crickets all but drown it out now.  It’s funny how they don’t complain to each other about the noise their neighbors make.  I catch a glint of shiny railroad track in my vision and my eyes follow it into the trees.  I am reminded of a long walk down similar tracks in my pre-teens to sneak into the drive-in up the road.  The trees seemed lit up like Christmas with so many fireflies.  An otherworldly green led our way home on those nights.  The perfume of clover along the tracks was the smell of hide-and-seek.

I start to think of drinking from garden hoses when a heron passes over head, reminding me where I am and that I need ice for my drink.  Upon my return from antarctic foraging, I find my seat has been stolen by one of the two non-predatory cats.  As if he thought my chair out of the three others was the weaker of the pack to conquer.  Chances are better he’s just spoiled.  I don’t begrudge him his perch and say, “I snooze, I lose, eh?”  He looks at me with half-closed eyes before blinking annoyingly.  If he could talk, he’d probably ask why I didn’t bring him treats since I was up, after all.  I take the seat across from it and prop my feet up on the seat cushion next to him.  He purrs audibly.

The cicadas are still playing their music quite loud.  No school nights or early commutes for them.  I hear a dog barking off in the distance and the wind picks up notably.  I can smell the faintest hint of rain when the breeze tickles my nose just right.  It’s going to be cooling down now.  I scan the sky to see darker clouds headed in from the west.  I’ll think I will just stay out here until it looks like trouble.

There is a train whistle coming from the city, the same direction as the approaching storm.  The bellies of the clouds are orange and then gray, an altogether different sight than otherworldly green trees.  This is the color of a dying fire, smoldering slow under the ashes just before it goes out.  I wonder if the train will outrun the storm.  They are both leaving the city at the same time but at what speeds?  I think I’ll put my money on the train.

A wind gusts abruptly, startling the suburban cats of prey back to the sliding glass door.  That holy gate to sanctuary and treats they don’t have to work to catch.  I get up and let them back in to their unnatural habitat.  They seem surprised that I closed the door without following them inside.  They stand looking out at me, pitifully, through the glass.  It’s too late, they’ve shown their mettle.  I turn and walk against the gusts to the middle of the yard, feeling the cool grass on my bare feet.  A glance backward shows the cats have have moved on from pleading at the door.  I smile and note that even suburban cats have pride.  I walk a little further to survey the clouds and they reveal bright orange underbellies now.  They are thickening over the city like smoke.

I looked down the tracks for signs of the train approaching.  My eye naturally follows the shiny rail to the horizon; the city’s orange glow reflected on the tracks.  The city.  I imagine people there the way I used to at the drive-in.  Some come for the show and then there are the players on the big screen.  Observers talk and pick apart stories – the players stories always bigger than life.  Both sides seem to have a fair share of one-dimensional characters.

Those whose dramas seem to unfold over loudspeakers, echoing out into the night for all to hear;  while others are just whispered, like smeared lipstick promises in backseats.  Reality or fantasy, lovers or conquests – I know the best scenario of them all is the one unscripted, simple and unmasked behind the scenes.  I shake my head, smiling vaguely at the thought of what characters are on the city’s marquee tonight.  But I’ve seen that movie – put the speaker back on the pole and start the car.  I’d rather go for a drive down a road I’ve never been on.

The storm is coming.  The train whistle echoes out again and I see his light coming closer.  A few drops of rain fall on my cheek.  I head back toward the house to pick up my pen and paper.  I have work still to get to.  The train blares his approach to the nearest crossing now as I open the door to go inside.  The skies haven’t opened up just yet but he’s barreling along at a good clip.

For a moment, I picture the engineer as a simple man I thought I knew well.  I believed I would have enjoyed sneaking to the drive-in with him.  But I have to dismiss that silliness.  It turned out he was probably too city for me after all.

No matter where my imaginary train conductor is headed, he’s staying dry this time.  I smile because we both won that bet.  I think its best to smile while on your journey, no matter what your destination.  I appreciate a good storm because I’ve weathered a good amount of them.  You learn to respect the strong ones and then intuitively you find what to be watchful for.  I will risk standing in a good one once and awhile because they make you feel alive and rain makes things grow.

Next time, I think I’ll put my money on the skies.  The odds are always against his train remaining dry because storms are guaranteed to come…especially on those one way tracks with no stops in between.

All I can do is wish my conductor the best of luck on his journey.'Sunset Forgets' canvas print print

‘Sunset Forgets’ by Gabrielle Price

Media Culture 10 Years Later / How Much Will It Cost To Buy You Out?

by Gabrielle Price
(Originally published 9/11/2005 | updated, 9/10/2011)

“The last half of the 20th century will seem like a wild party for rich kids, compared to what’s coming now. The party’s over, folks… [Censorship of the news] is a given in wartime, along with massive campaigns of deliberately-planted “Dis-information”. That is routine behavior in Wartime – for all countries and all combatants – and it makes life difficult for people who value real news.“ ~ Hunter S. Thompson / “When War Drums Roll” 2001

The date that lives in everyone’s memory and the beginning of a road traveled by many.  Some have seen the signs, taken the detours and some are still blindly on this road.  I traveled down it entirely too long.

I do not wish to take away from the tragedy of that day, or forget those who lost so much (and made me realize what I had).  I also do not wish to turn this into a 9/11 Truth discussion.  There are many things that happened that do not make much sense to me and an independent investigation is warranted, in my opinion.  But this isn’t what this post is about.  This is about buying into the fear that was sold at every turn by an administration and the media after this tragic day.

This was a life altering event…an event that brought out the best of us as citizens; the best in people all over the globe when we were experiencing the unimaginable.  What is more unimaginable to me is how people have behaved toward each other since; as if that day never occurred.  There is a time to grieve and move on, yes.  For the families, it is their time to remember in their own way, heal in their own time.  I don’t think there is any harm in having public ceremonies but I’m not sure that they need national coverage now.  I think we should all remember in our own way.  It is as much part of your history as this country’s history as it is etched in the history of humanity.  Like asking your parents or grandparents where they were the day Kennedy was shot…it changed things for them.  It changed a nation.  This day is the same, on a global stage…and the history books may not tell the story the way you will ultimately remember it.  (At least, American history books…)

My story begins with a trip in the way-back machine.  Many events had occurred in my life before that historic Tuesday morning and in many ways, were still unfolding in small increments.  Each day was a new challenge and I was trying my best to believe that each day was a gift.  Many of life’s changes are painful – when you’re in them, they can seem excruciating.  You can’t stop them from coming – but the pain eventually is forgotten and the lessons learned are carried forward into the next inevitable change.

It is the only constant – so you learn to realize you have two choices.  Crawl in a hole and quit or stand up and meet them.  [Often, the biggest challenge is to meet them gracefully.]

My best and dearest friend passed away in 1997 from suicide and dealing with that in itself took its toll over subsequent years, especially with life changes to come.  The betrayal of a husband, once a friend who then became a stranger to me and others who knew him.  This separation directly effected my plan to take care of my grandmother and I had to move out of her house…in so doing, losing the opportunity to buy the house (the family home), the house she wished us to have.  I could not have accomplished this purchase on my own, so I had to leave that dream behind.  This broke my heart more than the spouse ever did.  My grandmother passed soon after I moved out on my own…starting again as a single mom at 33.

Needless to say, I had a lot on my plate and it was a challenge to keep ahead of the curve and keep sanity at the same time.  Friends helped as much as they could; family as well.  Still, when you are dealing with so much, you tend to lay low and lick your wounds to recoup for another day…or for the next chapter of your life to begin.  Without my best friend and my significant other lost to me, recouping was a daunting task.  I cried many tears on many nights…

Initially, living on my own with my daughter was doable on my ‘part time/close to full time as you can get’ hours at a nonprofit.  We didn’t spend a lot on frivolities but we managed to entertain ourselves on a budget.  There was always food on the table and bills were met every month, for a time.  We had our reading nights, video game nights and my piecemeal PC, as nickel and dime as it was, kept us entertained.  And of course, ultimately, we had each other.  Television consisted of maybe 5 channels, the bunny ears leaving arched scratches on the walls for the span of our 6 year stay there.  It offered very few choices.

No high speed internet (remember dial-up? *shudder*) and no cable.  It took me a few years to break down and get a DVD player because I dragged heels on paying to repurchase on DVD, movies that I already owned on VHS.  The only other toy in our sanctuary was my first digital camera and scanner, a gift from my parents for my birthday – which rekindled my affair with photography.  Back then, it nourished my soul when it was most needed…and it gave me a voice I’d forgotten I had.

Time passed slowly and wounds healed at the same pace.  I found that I had opportunities to travel after a year of saving a little aside and I gave myself permission to go to places that I’d always wanted to see.  I went to DC for the first time in the summer of 2001…

I can’t tell you how inspired I was to be in such a place.  I was spellbound by the history seeping out of the buildings and parks on the mall to the alleys of Georgetown.  I was overwhelmed when I visited the Library of Congress and fell in love at the National Gallery.  So much so that I spent two of my four days within its walls.

I was drunk and dizzy with visions of Monet and Rembrandt.  I was stunned to be allowed so close to these works, as much as a nose length away so that I could see the brushstrokes.  Every room I went into, I saw another painting that I had only known from a photo in a book.  Monet’s Lilies, big as life in front of me and I was awestruck.  Out another passage and down the hall and there she was…

‘Flaming June’ Frederic Leighton c.1895 Oil on canvas

Flaming June, one of my favorite paintings by Frederic Leighton.  She was visiting the National Gallery at the same time.  You literally could have mopped me off the floor…I couldn’t stop the tears welling up, I was so moved.  A female security guard walking past me asked, “Your first time here?”  All I could do was smile and nod.

When I returned home from that trip, I was different.  I felt renewed, inspired and humbled.  It was a giant exhalation and release of old for new.  I had taken over 300 pictures in 4 days and I found myself researching DC every time I was online.  I knew I would go back and didn’t want to wait too long to return.  I also found myself watching more news.  I was an ‘election result’ junkie before then and watched the nightly news on a regular basis.  I enjoyed catching glimpses of the monuments and the lights on the reflecting pool.  In my mind, this place belonged to me, just as it belongs to all of us.  Perhaps that sounds naive and in hindsight, I know there was a level of innocence there.  Not all of that has been lost…it’s just different.

Never turn your back on fear.  It should always be in front of you, like a thing that might have to be killed.” ~ Hunter S. Thompson

I remember September 11th, 2001, a Tuesday morning; like it was yesterday.

I was off work and my then boyfriend had stayed over.  We were having coffee and doing the crossword while watching the Today show.  Early reports about the first plane; possible pilot heart attack, small aircraft…all speculative.  I returned from the kitchen after starting another pot of coffee and saw the second plane hit.  Matt Lauer spoke what was in my thought bubble, “That was intentional.”

I forgot everything in that moment.  I forgot the coffee, the crossword, the bills, the plans I’d made that day.  I was hardly aware that my boyfriend was sitting next to me.  I forgot that I was pissed off about not getting my ‘child tax credit’, I forgot that I was angry that Bush was elected.  I forgot everything unimportant in the moments following when I witnessed the horror of the first tower falling.  What I did remember was everything that was most important to me…and I remember sobbing uncontrollably.

After I regained composure, I called my daughter’s school to find out what was happening there.  She was the only person on the planet that I wanted to see and to be with in that moment.  The school was on lock down and they were waiting to see what plan, if any, would be put in action to get the students home.  I was not able to pick her up and I was imagining the panic of the other parents at home, and at work, wondering the same thing.  I called as many people as I could think to call, just to hear their voices and know they were okay.  I didn’t leave the television or that front room for the majority of that day.  (It is quite possible that I didn’t leave the apartment much that week unless it was for work or necessity.)

That day, I told my boyfriend I loved him.  It came out naturally.  It did not occur to me that anything I said that day would be considered inappropriate…it just mattered to me that he knew.  It didn’t matter whether he said it in return or not, I wanted to say what I felt because for the second time in my life, since my best friend had passed, I realized with a jolt – life really is too fucking short not to say what you feel.

It is hard for me to look back on that day now without being angry.  I have to admit a thought that entered my mind then, that if anyone should be in charge of this country at this moment in time, I was glad it was George W.  I remember thinking, naively, he would take care of who did this…he would take care of business.  Little did I know at the time – that was all he would take care of.  In the year following this tragedy, more stories unfolded about the people who lost their lives, the people who saved lives and those who survived.  Unfortunately, there were other ‘stories’ that I bought into…a lot of us did.

I wasted precious time in my life being afraid because I bought the fear the government was selling and the media was distributing.  I was vulnerable before that day…and after being gripped by tragedy beyond my own…I again became vulnerable to the machine of fear.

A machine that was just ramping up and getting started…its sights set on bulldozing ideas and reason.

Update:

10 years later.  I thought I would see a day where I would no longer be haunted by that fear. It has morphed into an urgency – one that can only be managed by writing and sharing information.  My concerns now are not what they tell us we should be concerned about, but the things they do not tell us and should.  What has been seen cannot be unseen.

I don’t recognize my country anymore than I used to recognize journalism and hold it in high regard.  Perhaps it was naive to think I recognized either.  Over these 10 years, I have coveted Hunter S. Thompson’s work and have been told on more than one occasion that my style of political writing was comparable.  Which humbles (and tickles) me because his humor was a powerful salve throughout the Bush years…and still is today.

I often wonder what Hunter S. Thompson would have to say if he were with us but I’ve come to understand why he is not here.  In my mind, he did not die a coward’s death – he bravely gave us his best during the worst moments in political history this country had ever witnessed.

Worst until now.

It was better to see Doc go out like a samurai rather than die of a broken heart.  But there is a part of me that imagined him taking some of the greed heads along in a final blaze of inebriated glory.  Then again, those who know his work (on both sides of the political aisle) know that he had more class than that – even at his worst, he was better than politics and journalism now touts as it’s best.

“Absolute truth is a very rare and dangerous commodity in the context of professional journalism.” – Hunter S. Thompson

The Doc was right.  But after ten years, that’s about the only tide I’m beginning to see turn for the better.  The ship of professional journalism is being scuttled alongside the Titanic failure of government.  For many witnessing it, there’s nothing left but to build grassroots media and political movements or sink quietly into the watery grave of fascism.

In honor of the good Colonel Thompson, I say let’s build and man the lifeboats…with Jolly Rogers flying…and let the good times roll.

Tell the establishment to keep their ‘change’.

BE the change.

In Honor of Ray Bradbury’s 91st Birthday

~ an excerpt from Ray Bradbury’s, Fahrenheit 451

‎”Some day the load we’re carrying with us may help someone. But even when we had the books on hand, a long time ago, we didn’t use what we got out of them.  We went right on insulting the dead.  We went right on spitting in the graves of all the poor ones who died before us.  We’re going to meet a lot of lonely people in the next week and the next month and the next year.  And when they ask us what we’re doing, you can say, We’re remembering.  That’s where we’ll win out in the long run.  And some day we’ll remember so much that we’ll build the biggest goddamn steam-shovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in and cover it up.  Come on now, we’re going to go build a mirror-factory first and put out nothing but mirrors for the next year and take a long look in them.“

BREAKING: Ray Bradbury passed away today at age 91.

“The good writers touch life often.  The mediocre ones run a quick hand over her.  The bad ones rape her and leave her for the flies.” – Ray Bradbury

You, sir were a damn good writer.  Thank you for touching my life, Ray. RIP

Value Change For Survival ~ Chief Oren Lyons [video]

Please note that Chief Lyons is a chief of the Onondaga Nation of the Iroquois Confederacy in upstate New York and eastern Canada.  Not Lakota.  He does mention being in Lakota country when he had the conversation around a campfire.  But he is identified clearly at the beginning.
 
For all the research and analysis that happens in my camp on a weekly basis – Chief Lyons sums up everything you and your family really need to know in 10 minutes. 
 
Deep respect to Chief Lyons.
“Get ready for it.”

Are you prepared?

For all the cracked pots

A Water Bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a hole which she carried across her neck.  One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.  For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to her house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made.  But, the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it was meant to do.  After years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, the cracked pot spoke to the Water Bearer one day by the stream.

“I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.  I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.  Because of my flaws, you have more work to do and you don’t get full value from your efforts.”

The bearer smiled and said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?  That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path.

Every day as we walk back, you have watered them.

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”